Why Counseling?
While many individuals and couples have been involved in counseling and have some frame of reference, many others are new to the process. Counseling itself is a relationship involving two cornerstones essential to positive and healthy human interaction:
1) open and honest communication, and 2) trust. It creates a safe and confidential environment where the client can "tell her story", or "get things off his chest".
Effective, life-altering counseling goes one important step further. It enables the individual or couple to acquire the necessary tools for both present and future change.
Acquiring these tools means first breaking through denial and being aware of one's thoughts, feelings and habits. Then, through commitment and repetition of new ideas and skills, each person builds new permanent "brain cells" (perceptions) and positive habits.
KNOWLEDGE (tools) + EXPERIENCE = CHANGE
"You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it."
-- Albert Einstein
The Foundation of Change in Relationships
What is a love relationship? Any relationship with love or strong feelings of caring for another. The mistakes we make run the gamut of all our relationships, whether with a friend, lover, parent, sibling, co-worker, etc. While the following ideas are aimed at romantic and marital relationships, they can be applied to any relationship.
As you read this, try not to be too hard on yourself. We all make these mistakes from time to time, and we can self-correct at any time. The reason we make these mistakes is mostly cultural -- that is, how we are raised in a society that actually teaches (often subconsciously) to be "fixers", "helpers", "co-dependents", rigid, controlling, critical, demanding, and complaining. Most of us didn't learn great relationship skills in our families of origin, nor did we get this in our education. The number one cause of divorce or breakup is not money issues, not in-laws, not infidelity, not religious differences -- not differences of any kind. The number one cause of relationship failure is faulty communication. All relationship issues can be resolved if you communicate effectively, negotiate, compromise, cultivate agreements, and engage in loving conflict resolution. The five (5) most important components of good communication are:
Staying calm and objective
Listening and understanding
Being honest about what you want
Compromise
Making and honoring your agreements
Many of us believe we are powerless when it comes to relationships -- but we are not! Studies show that when we one member of the relationship changes, the other changes as well. Picture a mobile over a baby's crib. When one part of the mobile is moved, the other parts move as well, in relation to the first part. When you change, you will necessarily get some type of reaction or movement from the other person! The status quo will shift.
Sometimes, for example, in a shaky relationship where couples counseling could be beneficial, one partner refuses to attend counseling. Or that partner may believe (frequently due to denial) that it's the other person that has "the issue". Regardless of your partner's willingness for professional support, it is strongly recommended that you yourself attend counseling so that you can be "an agent of change" by changing yourself. Then, you will likely not only feel supported, but will be able to make clearer and more conscious choices about the relationship.
"Why Am I Doing This Again?"
Breaking up is not always the thing to do. While there are times when it is advisable to break up (for example, when there is physical, sexual or emotional abuse involved), many people who have been through a series of relationships report having the same types of problems time after time. They often scratch their head and wonder, "Why am I doing this again?" The same types of problems emerge regardless of who their beloved is. This fact suggests that the problem resides in the person, not in their choice of partner. The clue is to look within in order to see why the problem recurs and why we become attracted to the same kind of person.
There is strong research and evidence to suggest that the families we come from (our "families of origin") have a profound influence on how we behave in the relationships we create for ourselves in adulthood. How many times have you heard the phrase, "You are acting just like your father (mother)." Or, "I can't believe I'm saying the same things my mother (father) said." Sometimes, we find ourselves acting toward a current relationship partner/spouse as if there were a repetitive pattern in play. And if we look close enough, we might discover that we're experiencing the same pattern of difficulty in every one of our relationships.
Many people would rather break up than work through an old childhood issue. They get to the stage of the power struggle in their relationship, and they are not willing to work through it and grow. Old child- hood fears are dredged up at this stage and it feels safer to bury (repress) these fears or run away from them rather than to face them. Communication problems invariably follow. Unfortunately, when people break up for these reasons, they deprive themselves of the opportunity to deal with the issues they need to face in order to enjoy a loving, healthy and conscious relationship.
Effective Listening
" I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
Probably the most overlooked aspect of good communication is listening. Even the most intelligent and well-intentioned couples often find themselves miscommunicating. Conflicts can frequently ensue, and simple situations escalate.
In a famous and deeply moving scene in the movie, Dances with Wolves, the Lakota medicine man, Kicking Bird (Graham Greene) tells Lt. Dunbar (Kevin Costner), "I think you are on the path to becoming a true human being, you are listening." Effective listening involves the following principles:
Attitude
for
Starting a Peace Talk with Your Beloved One
"Darling, in the past we have made each other suffer so much. Both of us were victims of anger. We made a hell for each other. Now I want to change. I want us to become allies, so that we can protect each other, practice together, and transform our anger together. Let us build a better life from now on, based on the practice of mindfulness (awareness). Darling, I ask for your help. I ask for your support. I ask for your collaboration. I cannot succeed without you." Say these words to your partner, spouse, child, parent, or estranged friend -- it's time to do it. This is awakening. This is love.
--adapted from Thich Nhat Hanh
My Commitment
I promise to TRUST you enough to tell you the truth and treat you LOVINGLY, gently and with respect, in my thoughts, words, and actions, whether in your presence or not.
In every interaction I will look for and acknowledge the highest and best in you as I surrender to LOVE, our true nature. My connection to my Source and nurturing my relationship with you will always be more important than any issue.
If anything unlike LOVE comes up, I will hold us in my heart and listen as we learn to speak, experience and be RESPONSE-ABLE for our realities. I will be there, for and with you, keep communication open and keep LOVE conscious, active and present AS WE HEAL and CELEBRATE LIFE !
--Please live, share, and teach and support this work freely. COPY ONLY IF this notice is included an ALL COPIES & ADAPTATIONS. dr michael ryce, C/O Rt. 3 Box 3280, Theodosia, MO 65761 (417) 273-4830. www.whyagain.com.
